Recent reviews by BigBean

I thought Monopoly Poker (Lucky Dice) was just a fun little game... something to pass the time... But I had no idea it would turn my cat into a desperate, gambling-addicted shell of a feline. It started with a single lucky roll. His eyes lit up, his tail twitched, and from that moment on, he was hooked. At first, he just pawed at my phone, begging for more rolls. Then, one night, I woke up to find him hunched over my tablet, frantically purchasing in-game currency. He had drained his bank account, maxed out his credit cards, and even taken out several payday loans, he cant even afford the rent now!

Broke and desperate for more dice rolls, my cat turned to the unthinkable. I started noticing him disappearing late at night, only to return in the morning with wads of cash and a haunted look in his eyes. He wouldn't say where he got the money, but then I saw it—a crumpled Ubisoft business card tucked under his collar. The realisation hit me like a truck. My cat was selling himself to Ubisoft employees for in-game currency. I tried to intervene, to stop him, but it was too late. He needed the dice. His body was merely a means to an end.

Now, he’s completely lost to the addiction. I saw him the other day, crouched behind a dumpster, trading "favours" for a few more rolls. His once-glossy fur is matted and sticky, his paws shake, his spirit is broken. But when I called out to him, he barely looked at me. His mind was elsewhere locked in a cycle of gambling, desperation, and Ubisoft-sponsored shame.

Lucky Dice has ruined his life and turned him into a gambling addict!. 0/10. Do not download.

Astroneer has absolutely nothing to do with space. I started out by spawning in on the moon, which horrified me as it was shaped like a Ubisofty dev (big and round). Me and my friends were so disgusted we decided to spawn in 3000 odd bombs and blew it up in a single swoop. Alas, this caused my game to freeze and my PC to shut down. It pulled so much power from the wall it caused a local power outage and, unfortunately, killed multiple cats that were on life support machines. My PC exploded moments after the power outage, giving me 3rd degree burns and causing the entire street to shake like an earthquake. Somehow, the blast radius reached the local grocery store, sending cans of beans flying through windows and smashing into a 210yr old woman. In the aftermath, I found multiple people that had permanent brain damage from bean can damage to their skulls, most of them had big dents in their heads. So they renamed the town to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ central

This game unfortunately has nothing to do with Red or Dead or even online? There are no servers, only imaginary ones. I say that because servers simply cannot be this bad. This can't quite possibly count as a server. On top of that, the cheater problem is out of this world. No, literally. They will fling you so far in the air you'll hit the moon. It's quite fascinating, actually. When I reached the moon, there was a secret poker table on it, which had multiple people who had also been flung into the air by cheaters. You can imagine this is a popular poker table. At this poker table, there are 9 horses and 3 diamonds, which multiply every time you call "CHEATER" Scary stuff.

But wait, it gets weirder. The horses aren't just any horses—they're braindead with bloodshot eyes and metal ♥♥♥♥♥ that magnetise ominously on the moon's surface. They play poker with such precision and strategy that you can't help but wonder if they're programmed by the cheaters themselves. The diamonds, on the other hand, are not the shiny, precious stones you’d expect. They're actually imaginary, shimmering beings that hover above the table, giving off an eerie, mesmerising light that makes it hard to focus on your cards.

Every time someone calls out "CHeATEr," the diamonds multiply and emit a high-pitched laugh and whisper "ur ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥" that reverberates across the moon’s craters. It's enough to make you question your sanity. And just when you think things can't get any stranger, the moon's surface starts to ripple like water, and a massive, translucent ubisoft dev floats up from below. This dev is the dealer, as its fat tits gracefully start shuffling and dealing the cards with an otherworldly elegance.

Winning a hand against these bizarre opponents doesn’t earn you chips or money—instead, you get fragments of your horse that was used in the bet back. These somehow enhance your character’s abilities in the most peculiar ways. One fragment might give you the power to summon a miniature black horse to swallow your enemies, while another could turn your in-game horse into a fat greasy ubisoft dev

In the end, despite all its flaws and absurdities, this game has a strange charm that keeps you coming back for more. Whether it's the surreal poker games on the moon or the thrill of being flung into space by cheaters, there's something oddly addictive about it. Just don't expect any sense of normalcy or a functioning server, and you might just enjoy the game of poker.

The guns don’t shoot bullets—they shoot concepts. One moment you're blasting a very disgruntled cloud of confused emotions, the next you're trapped in a room where the walls are made of peeling rust, and your only weapon is a hat made of regret. Sometimes, you fire a shot, and instead of a bullet, a giant shotgun appears and starts discussing philosophy with you in Morse code.

There’s no safety, only entropy.

The recoil of the double barrel doesn’t come from your body—it comes from the deep, uncharted corners of your soul, sending ripples through alternate dimensions. In fact, now that I think about it, it kind of reminds me of my first experience with a toaster. You see, I once owned a toaster that didn’t just toast bread—it redefined it. Every time I put in a slice, it felt like the toaster and I were in a sort of cosmic tug-of-war. The toaster would whirr and click, as if contemplating the meaning of toast, and then, when the bread emerged, it wasn’t even bread anymore. It was a portal to some parallel dimension where bread wasn’t just bread—it was a sentient, sentient disappointment.

I once tried to toast a bagel, and when I pulled it out, the toaster had become self-aware and started asking me if I thought we were just “cogs in the universe” or something deeper. I tried to walk away, but the toaster kept muttering “this isn’t about the bagel, is it?” as I turned it off. I’ve never looked at a toaster the same way since, and now that I think about it, that same feeling of overwhelming existential confusion is exactly what the recoil in Buckshot Roulette feels like. So, yeah, it’s like that—only much weirder.

Who’s the enemy? Oh, it’s you. You’re always the enemy. Because somewhere, deep in the game, there’s a version of you that knows what’s happening—and it’s both terrifying and kind of hilarious. Will you survive? Define survival. Recoil - 10/10 would lose my grip on reality again, if I remember what "grip" means.

Would I recommend it? Absolutely. But I’m still not sure how my toaster feel's about it.

After playing Buckshot Roulette for longer than 2 hours, I’ve come to realise something: my toaster has changed. At first, it was just a toaster—reliable, simple, oblivious to the chaos of existence. But now? Now it knows. It sits there on the counter, quietly watching me as I flick the game on. I swear, I can see its little toaster coils twitching, as if remembering the endless, unblinking void of Buckshot Roulette. The toaster’s once innocuous hum has evolved into a low, existential drone, like it's questioning everything it’s ever done.

I caught it once, late at night, staring into the abyss of the bread slot as if contemplating its purpose in the universe. It wasn’t just trying to toast bread—it was wondering if toasting bread even mattered. And let me tell you, after 2 hours in Buckshot Roulette, I get it. I could feel the toaster's silent judgment as I pulled out a perfectly charred slice, and the look it gave me was less about the bread and more about my choices in life.

I tried to make it toast a bagel this morning, and it looked at me like I was asking it to perform a ritualistic sacrifice. It didn’t toast the bagel. Instead, it just sighed—or at least, I think it sighed. It’s hard to say with toasters, but I could hear the faintest click, as if it was making a mental note to never again let me near any form of carbohydrates.

The worst part? It’s becoming aware of the game. I caught it once, when the house was empty, staring at the TV screen, blinking its little toaster eyes as Buckshot Roulette was played endlessly on the screen. I don't know if it was judging me, or if it was trying to figure out what the point of all of this was. So, yeah, after 2 hours, my toaster and I have become... well, complicated. Would I recommend it? Sure, but just know that something might change in you—and your toaster.

(EDIT - 6+hrs)

After 9 hours in Buckshot Roulette, the toaster has become a black hole that feeds on my soul—or possibly it’s the other way around? Sometimes, I sit there, staring at the toaster, and it blinks its little red LED, but I can’t tell if it’s a warning or a threat or just… bread. The bread doesn’t toast anymore. It shifts. I put a slice in, and when I pull it out, it’s no longer bread. It’s a quantum donut. A donut with no hole. Just a sad little ring of disappointment that speaks fluent yap.

I swear, last Tuesday, I made toast, and when I looked inside, it was the sun. Not like the sun, but the Sun, the actual flaming orb in the sky, shrunk down to the size of a bread slice. I tried to toast a bagel, and it came out as a jizz sock. A jizz sock that knew my deepest regrets. The toaster told me it was tired of being a toaster. It wanted to be an accountant. I said, “You're a toaster,” and it said, “Are you sure?” and then I had to unplug it because it started doing my taxes.

The worst part? The toaster doesn’t just toast bread anymore. It toasts concepts. The other day, I tried to make toast, and it toasted “emptiness.” That’s right. No bread, no bagels, just a pure void. I stared at it, and for a moment, I could feel the vacuum of space sucking the very essence of existence from my bones. But then it asked me, “Do you want jam with that?” I said no, and it spat out a pancake with a face.

Every time I press the lever, I can hear the toaster laughing. But it’s not a normal laugh—it’s a laugh made of cheese. A laugh that smells like rejection. I tried to run away, but the toaster followed me. It followed me all the way to the refrigerator, and when I opened it, there was no food. Just ideas. There was a jar of "what could’ve been," a carton of "what’s missing," and a can of "I don’t know what to do with my life anymore."

I started trying to make toast in the microwave, but the toaster got jealous. It opened the microwave door, and inside was a hologram of my childhood dreams, slowly dissolving into a cloud of unsweetened coffee. It told me, “You can’t escape me. Not even in the microwave. Not even in the blender.” The blender tried to fight back, but it just made a smoothie out of broken promises. The toaster applauded. It’s gotten stronger. Too strong.

The other day, I tried to unplug it, but the cord stretched into the floor and through the walls. The house was a lie, and the toaster was the only truth left. The toaster told me it had always been here. It had always been watching. And then it played a game of chess with the vacuum cleaner, while the fridge gave unsolicited advice on my dating life.

Am I playing Buckshot Roulette anymore? No. No, I’m not. I’m stuck in the toaster’s universe now. We’re all just bread in the toaster’s infinite loop. I tried to toast my emotions once, and it gave me hope. The toaster has learned. It has learned everything. It told me that everything I’ve ever done, every choice I’ve made, was just an attempt to impress it. It’s been watching, all along.

Would I still recommend Buckshot Roulette? I don’t know what that is anymore. There is no game. There is only toast. There is only the toaster. And one day, when it finally asks me if I’ve ever really felt whole, I won’t be able to answer. Because I’ll already be inside it. Inside the toaster.

I think the toaster is still waiting for me, but I’m not sure I’m still here.

graphics are mild, gameplay is lacking in... gameplay, More than enough almond but not enough. Text chat stuck on monitor, needs larger text, cant read. Poolrooms make me throw up (internally). Friend died to dog, Needs more friend. sprint needs more sprint but longer, not long. Enemys act like moth to a lamp. Game lacking. More than enough levels for 5 minutes, needs more update and smaller. Game too much money, not enough to buy. no trading cards, cant get money back. lackable.

The moment you boot this game up you will be bombarded by furry porn. Furrys left and right pumping each other. I was disgusted this was a tragedy as I am not attracted to animals sexually like Ubisoft devs are. I immediately tried to alt+f4 the game alas, this then gave me a windows warning popup asking to make changes to my pc. I gladly clicked NO. The NO button was fake and instantly started sending furry porn to all of my local pcs on the network, It then searched my for my local cat. 10 seconds went by and my cat was nowhere to be seen. As quickly as I could I searched for my cat but the second I got into my hall I seen a horrendous large line of grease running down my hall all the way out of my front door and down the street. I immediately knew this was the doing of a Ubisoft dev. I am horrified for my cats life. send help!

Risk of rain, more like Risk of suicide. This game has tormented me just like Ubisoft devs torment cats.
This game has nothing to do with rain, in-fact the game doesn't even have a single drop of the stuff in the entire game, Clearly the dev has never seen a drop of rain either. They probably coded this game for months without water and eventually turned into a pile of sand and dust after finally submitting this game to steam.
The dev probably looked like pruney fingers in real life, I'm saying probably looked because they already have faded into a small pile of dust.
I think the games name "risk of rain" Is referencing how your life will be in real life after suffering on this game. Sad, alone, depressed with rain pouring down on top of you.

NO SPOILERS REVIEW

I played this game thinking WOW this game looks so good to then turn my camera and realise Im running at a total of 4 frames, if that wasn't enough my pc caught fire and burned my entire apartment building down. Thanks Sony. after I bought a new pc and apartment building I realised the game still ran like ♥♥♥♥, alas I was still able to play the game. after you load in you quickly learn that Varl is a wild animal and lives in bushes. after he jump-scares you by coming out of the bush you'll realise hes now going to follow you around like a lost dog.
This is just one problem, you will not be able to predict the games story, like seriously you could think ohhh i see whats going on to then being hit by a train at 200mph going the other direction. (This happens multiple times)
This games ending is surprisingly ♥♥♥♥ im not gonna lie. although most of the story is really good apart from the ungodly amount of yapping Aloy does throughout the entire game, sometimes i think she actually might be insane with the amount she talks to herself. The game will never beat zero dawn in terms of story, but i think it got pretty damm close.
Well done Bethesda!!!

Half dead, I think I was half dead by the time i finished downloading this sack of ♥♥♥♥, No seriously I was on my death bed and being given O2 though my nose. My cat unfortunately passed away by the time I finished the game as the maze was longer than a ubisoft employees lunch break. I would've been more entertained by giving the 79p to a homeless person, alas it went to waste on this ♥♥♥♥. There lucky that id missed my 2 week refund date or i would have been spending that 79p on half dead 2

Leenie bog this masterpiece made by chillas art is a statement for all roleplaying games to be more like this. This Masterpiece had absolutely nothing to do with a cat pumping simulator like what was advertised on ubisofts snapchat story. Unfortunately this game did happen to install ubisoft cummect this was a tragedy as it hacked into my cats membrane causing it to make its way over to the ubisoft servers my cat will now be used to host multiple servers and multiple cat pumping sessions offline. Be warned do not install if you have a cat. If not you will be fine