Long ago, in an age before time, before regulations on how much sand could be shoved into the greasy holes of all who entered McDonald's there was an age of unparalleled power in which Ronald McDonald and his 7 clowners all ruled over the cosmos with their divine might, this is the story of that age, this is How to discover the rich, creamy, thick and juicey Ronald Lore

All was not always well, as the drinks within Ronald's empire did not have enough cancer inducing chemicals, so Ronald sent 4 of his clowners to find a new source of liquid. They discovered the Grimi, a race of inferior purple pieces of ♥♥♥♥ who attempted to steal the secrets of Ronald's huge throbbing big mac, and unbenounced to Ronald, one of his clowners the Hamburger Seller was peddling burgers to the Grimi, enraged Ronald decided on one course of action, he burned the Hamburger Sellers children alive and cast their skin onto his face, giving him one path to redemption, stealing all the burgers back that had been illegally sold. Additionally, Ronald tore the arms off of most of the Grimi and devoured their higher minds, making them slaves to birth and endless stock of fresh tumors and stillborns mushed into a paste called a "slushie" or "soda" . Ronald took the high king of the Grimi, Grimace and cast him down, making him Ronald's personal enforcer. After the strife, Ronald returned with his bounties in hand, ready to sell them in full force.

Ronald's seven Clowners served as his primary task force, cutting down all who stood in Ronald's way. Weather it be logistical, a group not paying tribute, or even someone trying to STOP Ronald's entirely legal money laundering. Despite this information, knowledge on individual Clowners is sparse, so ill collect the information here

Clowner 1: Enforcer God King Sultan Mayor McCheese the Devourer

McCheese was Ronalds primary Clowner, always willing and able to get the job done no matter the cost, He was truly an amazing leader. He got his name due to the massive grilled meat tumors he grew on and within himself to achieve a more perfect form, he was known to use a method called "cheese-faction" to torture dissidents of Ronald Land (the name for Ronald's empire's platinum age) the details of this method are sparse, but its believed he removed all of his victims skin, turned it into a fine cheese and grafted it onto the original host.

Clowner 2: Hamberger Seller (replaced by Grimace the Terrible)

Hamburger Seller was Ronald's primary logistical manager and covert operations specialist, he assisted in obtaining"willing hostages" and the more "exotic" ingredients used in Ronald Land. He was also later discovered to be a dirty pathetic traitor who was selling burgers to starving Grimi children upon their discovery. To punish him for this horrid crime his family was burned alive as he was forced to watch, their flesh singed onto him, and his name bound as the Hamburglar for all eternity as he was sent to collect the patties he had sold. He was replaced by the former Grimi king Grimace, who had been cast down from the heavens and lobotomized by Ronald's magic. Ronald bound him as slave to deal with labor for the rest of eternity as punishment for his races sins.

Clowner 3: Offcier Big Mac the Defiler

While little is known of Big Mac it is said he assisted in keeping uprisings or insurrections in line. He may also have been a failed clone of McCheese, not gaining the same amount of Cheese needed to unleash more powerful magics.



Clowner 4: Early Bird the Seer

Early bird was a unique Clowner, in that she was purely a logistical manager who dealt with the organization of food and the delicious McDonald's sand that filled it. In addition to this, she dealt with time and its manipulation, showing this in her ability to predict actions before they happened.

Clowner 5: The Professor

Professor was known to be Ronald's brightest and cruelest of Ronald's Clowners , a former nazi scientist who experimented with turning people into burger meat, Ronald admired his fevor and allowed him to ascend to the position of Clowner. He produced many of Ronald's inventions, most notably the Horrid pits (nowadays known as ball pits), death traps filled with waste and vermin, with false bottoms to drop smaller vermin and the occasional child into the meat grinders below.

Clowner 6: Sundae Difiler of Flesh

Sundae was once a regular citizen of Ronald's kingdom, he was so moved by Ronald that he wore 17 pounds of makeup every day, and soaked in ice cream to rot his flesh. He began to consume the rotted flesh along with the maggots within to undergo a form of metamorphosis, and evolved to a more pure form, taking on a dog toy as his host. He was Ronald's torturer and espionage agent, he squirmed into the minds and flesh of his prey, rotting them along with the parasitic worms he controlled, warping and stealing away the minds and bodies of his targets, leaving them in the shape of a deformed, monstrous dog as his new host.

Clowner 7: Happie MahEal

Happie MahEal (pronouced "happy meal") was an imperfect clone of Ronald created by the professor and sired by Early Bird the Seer. MahEal held immense reality warping power due to the blessings and sand he received from Ronald. He acted as Ronald's left hand man and royal retainer. MahEal was known for slaying the Dinosaurs of Earth in order to create oil and gasoline to cook french fries and create horrid figures that depicted beings Ronald had slain in his glorious conquests.

I have been reading over some old tomes I discovered deep within the employee lounge of a McDonalds, and have resolved to bring this information to light best I could. If you have any information, please tell me so that I may add to this document as this is by no means a comprehensive list.


Cholesterol Clone Jutsu:

Ronald was known to be able to shape vessels from cholesterol, which he could place his creamy life goo inside to animate and use them as puppet bodies. This was notably used in the attack on KFC, in which Ronald sent an army of clones to crush the KFC empire, while chanting "You're ♥♥♥♥ and you know you are!" resulting in the collapse of the global non-McDonald chicken economy.

Klowner Kart:

Ronald used a divine artifact known as the Klowner Kart to take to the skies when he wasn't using his shake shift. It was a large half sphere with a bright red propeller at the bottom , it had many on board ordinances including salt bombs, frag grenades, and assault rail-cannons. It was destroyed during the war with the Health Inspectors, and some pieces of its design were stolen by Doug Bowser and Jack Black, leading to the famous turtle villain, Turtle from DC comics.

Imaginary Technique, Brown:

Ronald could cause nearby lifeforms to ♥♥♥♥ themselves to death with this legendary power, which he used most famously in his fight with Helen Steel and Dave Morris. While the exact nature of this power are unclear, it has something to do with a powerful strain of pinkeye that Ronald mastered in edo period Japan.

But time was not on Ronald's side, as one day a dark force known as Health Inspectors began invading his lands, seizing restaurants claiming poisoned rat meat and sand were not valid ingredients. They sent a task force to kill Ronald and his Clowners, and as the fight went on Ronald slowly lost grown to the incursion, they had freed the Grimi slaves, and cast the great sand pits down. Not even early bird could predict their most pressing attack, a Subway Transport Mogul known as Jared who beat people with his sandwiches. The child meat used in the creation of Jared's sandwiches of power was enough to overwhelm the unpaid interns used as human shields at the front gates, allowing soldiers to poor into the kingdom and defeat the Clowners. Ronald was to powerful to be captured, let alone slain, so they came up with a plan, They sealed Ronald deep within the earth, and created a force with Jared's power known as Aeather, then they used this power along with the power of the big macs a few Grimi had to trap Ronald within the bowls of the Earth.




I made this while tripping out at 4am so have fun with it idk