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Officer I swear to drunk I'm not god

Hello Gamers, due to an (entirely heterosexual) encounter with a dildo and a skirt, I have sh1t myself and cannot get it out of the carpet and the skirt.

Basically, I bought a 15-inch red silicone t rex bad dragon dildo (for one of my many girlfriends not me I’m not gay) but when I was taking it out I fell over wierdly and it slid all 15 inches deep into my a5s while wearing thigh highs and a skirt while jerking off with a gag in my mouth. But it went too deep and it made me have sudden explosive diarrhoea, and I guess the dildo must have punctured something cause there was a lot of blood in it, and then I got shocked so I pissed myself right as I came (accidentally), so now there’s piss sh1t blood and cüm in the carpet and all over the thigh highs and the skirt and stuff and my parents are coming around tomorrow and I can’t get it out and there’s so much sh1t everywhere and my apartment has this vomit-inducing smell like someone died help what do I do?

im drunk yuo dont have an excuse

-rep false advertising: not one of the most attractive things in existence, THE most attractive thing in existence.

TRUE ♥♥♥♥ YOU STEAN